How to Function as a Full Member of Society
See, some people scoff at politeness. Having good manners is stuffy and old-hat and terribly pointless, isn’t it?
Well, actually it’s not. When we’re interacting with other people, there are an absurd number of opportunities for contention: two people approach a door from opposite sides - who should go through it first?, a number of people require your attention - in what order should you deal with them?, You’re given an unfamiliar dish at a restuarant - what is the easiest way of eating it without making a mess?, etc., etc.
“Good” manners solve all of those problems, and more. Geeks can think of them as a more complicated (and more effective) form of CSMA/CD - a set of general rules of thumb, procedures, and guidelines that allow all parties in any given situation to independently come up with a mutually-acceptable course of action.
By extending the analogy, we can also see what happens with no manners - lots of collisions; or even what happens when you don’t take the decision yourself, but instead wait for instructions from an external authority - things always move slowly, even when you can see that there’s no real need to wait for instructions (oh, and ibm will abandon you after ten years. er…).
Anyway, lets see how not to do it:
1. It is twenty minutes past five in a busy bus/rail station. Hundreds of people are walking along the entrance hall, in both directions. You are a 25-year-old woman, but look more like 40 because of your makeup and jewellry. Do you:
a) Walk in a straight line, at around the same pace as the other people around you,
b) Spread your arms out, walk in circles yammering into your mobile phone, then suddenly change direction, bashing into the elderly man walking behind you, then screech into your phone that “some old guy has just walked straight into me!”
c) Do the world a favour and slit your wrists.
2. You are driving a gigantic BMW X5 SUV, and are looking for a place to park. Do you:
a) Go to the nearest car park
b) Wait for the driver of the car in the first on-street parking space around the corner to depart - ignoring the fact that that driver has a gaggle of kids and a huge bundle of shopping to deal with first, and that you’ve essentially parked in the middle of a junction, with a queue of other cars behind you, and maybe 20 or 30 pedestrians waiting to cross the road.
c) Stop beeping your fucking horn, and invite the children to spray-paint giant wabs onto your paintwork.
3. You have almost reached the entrance of your apartment building. Since there is building work going on, the remaining bit of footpath is only wide enough for one person at a time. Ahead of you are four other people, walking in the same direction as you. Do you:
b) Barge past two of them, elbow the other two out of the way as they enter their code on the door entry system, then slow to a snails pace as you go up the stairs to the mail collection area, scratching your arse all the while.
c) Stand in the middle of the short strand singing the sash at top volume in the middle of the night.
How did you do? Let’s find out:
Mostly A - congratulations! you qualify as a normal human being!
Mostly B - Pls die, kthx!
Mostly C, C, C - C is the heavenly option…
er, yes.
